Though I said that I will be writing about creative visualization for the next four weeks, I not only missed a couple of weeks (I have been finishing my YA novel for a contest at the end of this month), but also I have to write about a topic more immediate and relevant to this past week’s events.

Namely, why hormonal meltdowns and brushes with insanity are such great teachers.

All the arts we practice are apprenticeship. The big art is our life.
– M. C. Richards

I have two days a month when I am certifiably psychotic; when I have the ability to interpret everything, every thought, and most interactions from the standpoint of a soft-bodied creature who has lost her shell. During those two days, I feel misunderstood, lonely, unloved, doomed, ugly, wrong, victimized, dark, insecure, jealous, and shitty simply because I’m feeling all of the above.

During those two days, I’d be wise to retreat to a cave and be alone till my storm passes.

Last week, the storm rolled through.  And though this storm comes each month like clockwork, I was completely caught off guard.  My husband Paul spotted it a mile away and told me so: “Janna, right now you are hormonal.”  It should have been enough to at least soften the blow.  But no.  During those two days, I thrashed around, cried, yelled at Paul, broke a coffee mug that I really liked, and tried like hell not to let Oliver and Lucy see that their mommy was nuts.

Writing and meditating and yoga and walking–all of that wellness stuff that is so very useful and important and worthwhile and necessary–could not save me.  It could not save me from the struggle.  The truth is, there are times when nothing can save us.   We must be in the middle of it all, in the middle of Life, getting soaked with rain and hammered with hail, and there’s not a damn bit of writing or breathing or bending we can do to hide from it all.

But the point is not to stay dry.  The point is to get soaked and cold and still take up the pen or sit in zazen or stand in warrior–summon our courage and take up our power and keep living and learning.  Because this is life, what we are living now, how we are feeling now, who we are now, in this moment.

All art requires courage. – Anne Tucker

I loathe these moments surrounded by my own darkness.  But really, these are the  moments when the ground is most fertile for pulling weeds and planting seeds.  While the lighting strikes and the thunder booms, the ghosts of my past can be seen and dealt with in full potency.

It is within these moments that we find out what we are made of.  No other time or mindset motivates me to change as much as my times of darkness.  It makes sense–if everything is going smoothly, why make the effort to look deeply within?

When I’m in those moments of darkness, I sit down, take my power, and pick up my pen.  I find my ground by beginning with the most basic of writing prompts: “I am….”  I am mother to Oliver and Lucy, I am not my past, I am courageous, I am feeling like this feeling will never go away.  I am sick of feeling insecure and small, I am that little tomboy with a Dorothy Hamil haircut and too many cowlicks. I am evolving and growing.

As I write, I am able to get deeper into the feeling, into its source.  My writing becomes a realization: I am feeling the way I felt when I was twelve years old, feeling so separate and ashamed of myself.  This feeling isn’t the truth about me.  This feeling comes from a past from which I have grown.

The thing is, when we take the time to sit and dig, when we summon the courage to look at the ugly parts of ourselves and ask questions like, “Where did this come from?” and “Why am I feeling this way?” we will eventually hit a bedrock of truth.

And it is for this truth that we write.

Hormonal meltdowns and brushes with insanity are great teachers.  They teach us about survival.  They teach us about our own resilience.  And they teach us that we are ever-unfolding, ever-evolving.  And while writing does not make the hurt and confusion and inward thrashing go away, it is a rock to hold onto in the midst of it all.  It is a means through which to weather the storms and peek into the deepest parts of ourselves.

As they always do, the clouds dissipated and blew away.  When the storm receded, I took my up pen and gave a holy thanks for a blue-sky mind.  Till next month around the 20th when I have yet another hormonal meltdown and brush with insanity.

With my pen held high, I say, “Bring it on.”

Writing in a journal is a concrete and tremendously powerful tool for creative visualization.  It is a forum to lay down and listen to the yearnings of our souls.  It is a rich soil in which to cultivate that which we wish to manifest in our lives.

“The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.” - Barbara Kingsolver

In the next four weeks, I will give writing exercises specifically tailored to helping you visualize your dreams within the pages of your journal.  Spring–what a perfectly symbolic time to be planting seeds of thoughts and intentions in our writing.

Before we begin, here is a little information about creative visualization…

• Creative visualization is the technique of using your imagination to create clear visions of what you want in your life.  Writing about them is an act of faith in yourself, and it brings you one step closer to them. To do this, you do not need to know what is going to happen in your life.  We cannot even imagine how our lives will truly unfold.

• Get quiet and listen to your deepest desire for your life.  Don’t be fooled by that inner critic that tries to tell you that you can’t do what you want to do.  Have courage to state on paper what it is you want from this life.

• Be as specific as possible, yet know that you will constantly amend and shift our visions as you grow older and gain wisdom.  When I was in college and wrote about the kind of apartment I wanted to live in, I wrote about small things like having colorful ceramic mugs from which to drink my coffee, and big things like, “I want to stay healthy and fit throughout my life.”

“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” -Langston Hughes

We are co-creators in our lives.  Chance, luck, fate, destiny—the things we cannot control—and strength, courage, persistence, faith and love—the things we can control—all come together as we flow along our life’s path.

You have great power in your lives.  You have power in deciding what you want.  Yes, you will have difficult times.  At times, you will have to work hard and be persistent.  But when you believe in yourself and your possibilities, you open yourself up to growth, wisdom, and happiness.

Though you may not realize it now, or even believe in the power of writing your creative visions for your life, your thoughts and your intentions have tremendous power.  Writing them down only makes them more concrete.

Believe.  In. Your.  Life.